Many of the most challenging experiences that human beings face unfold within close interpersonal relationships. Whether the conflict takes place between a Mother and a daughter, a married couple, or two close roommates, many individuals describe conflictual encounters in close interpersonal relationships as incredibly stressful events. While there are many mental health skills that are applicable to decreasing tension in interpersonal relationships (e.g., using validation and “I” statements), sometimes it is helpful to have a deeper understanding of the overarching dynamic in a high-conflict relationship to better understand why the interpersonal challenges in close, intimate relationships can become extremely distressing for any individual. To better understand the dynamics in close interpersonal relationships, this blog post will describe difficulties with attachment for adults, as described by the evidence-based therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT; Johnson, 2019). Although EFT has many different components, this blog post will focus on providing a basic understanding of attachment in close adult relationships.
Most individuals who have taken a course in psychology have likely heard of attachment styles. Originally described by British psychiatrist John Bowlby, there are three main attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious/ambivalent attachment, and avoidant attachment. In addition, psychologist Mary Ainsworth described a fourth attachment style, disorganized attachment. Mary Ainsworth also conducted the “Strange Situation” experiment that involved a series of timed, controlled periods of separation and reunion between a parent and the child. This allowed Ainsworth to observe different patterns in the ways that infants responded to their parents. Securely attached children were relatively comfortable exploring the play room, and when their parents returned, the children approached their parents and were comforted. Anxiously/ambivalently attached children were very distressed when the caregiver left, and the caregiver had a difficult time soothing them when they returned. Avoidantly attached children showed little response to the caregiver coming and going. Finally, in later experiments, disorganized attached children showed confusion, and switched between behaviors of approaching the caregiver and avoidant behaviors like looking away from the caregiver.
Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) continues to advance the science of attachment by noting that attachment styles evolve over time and can be different within adult relationships. Moreover, undergirding the attachment lens, there is an understanding that human beings are social mammals that evolved to need other people. Thus, through an EFT lens, independence is not viewed as an obtainable goal. Instead, the long-term goal is to develop more secure attachments, which creates healthy interdependence. Importantly, EFT therapists operate from the assumption that when there is a serious rupture in a close relationship, it is completely normal from an evolutionary perspective for an individual to feel intense emotions and to have difficulty calming their nervous system. For example, for an adult whose partner threatens divorce, regardless of how logical the decision may be, might feel intense primal emotions that mimic the severe threat that an infant would feel if their mother was going to abandon them. Thus, through understanding EFT, it is possible to understand how the protest and frustration expressed in a romantic relationship during a rupture is very intense due to the underlying love in the relationship and the threat of that security being broken. Moreover, because there is a lot at stake in terms of security in close relationships, individuals often do not fight in the same way with strangers.
While it is normal for human beings to experience intense emotions during ruptures in close relationships, the way that an individual copes with the rupture is different depending on the attachment style that is present in that phase of the relationship. When experiencing a rupture, someone with a secure attachment style will experience intense emotions, but will also have the ability to remind themselves that the relationship can be repaired and will approach the other individual with relatively effective attempts to repair and reconnect. Nevertheless, when someone is struggling with anxious/ambivalent attachment, the individual may experience an intense feeling that they will be abandoned and that the relationship cannot be repaired. The person with an anxious/ambivalent style of coping will pursue the other individual, pleading with them to stay or criticizing them with the intent of holding on to the relationship. On the other hand, when someone is struggling with avoidant attachment, that individual will protect themselves during a rupture by suppressing their need to have a relationship and withdrawing and retreating to avoid the pain of the relationship. Oftentimes, one person anxiously pursues, while the other person avoids, generating a cycle whereby both parties’ coping styles drive them further apart.
If you would like to understand your attachment style in further depth and ways to develop secure attachment, I recommend meeting with a therapist who understands EFT or listening to evidence-based resources on attachment styles in adult relationships. Although developing secure attachments across relationships is a gradual process, the first step is to become more conscious of how your body has learned to cope with ruptures in relationships. Moreover, increased mindfulness toward attachment styles can help individuals understand the heart of what takes place during conflicts in close relationships, decreasing confusion in close interpersonal conflicts.
Reference:
Johnson, S. M. (2019). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychology postdoctoral fellow that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. Samuel believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.