When navigating conflict in interpersonal relationships, many individuals struggle with determining how to effectively collaborate with the other person to reach shared goals. Sometimes a monumental amount of time and energy can fuel a collaborative process that unfortunately does not result in the goal being met but does succeed in exhausting both individuals.
Imagine that you and your partner are trying to collaborate to fix the door. You have a more hands-on learning style, and you try to fix the door by prodding and pushing it into place to determine the source of the problem. Meanwhile, your partner has a different style of problem-solving, and your partner looks up online videos to diagnose the problem and then follows a step-by-step approach to solving the problem. Conventional wisdom on collaboration would suggest that the best way forward is to team up, work together, and use both the hands-on approach and the online videos.
Although this teaming up process may work on occasion, it is also possible that when collaborating with these different (though not erroneous) approaches, the problem could become more difficult and take longer to solve. Moreover, there is also a greater amount of energy consumed in the collaborative process that possibly could be used for other tasks deemed to be more important than fixing the door, within the context of your relationship.
The dilemmas that arise from a simplistic model of collaboration led to researchers exploring various conflict styles with the recognition that different styles of conflict may work more effectively depending on the particular situation. Other options for the partners distressed about the door include:
- directing (“I lead the task of repairing the door, the other partner follows”),
- avoiding (“neither partner fixes the door, someone else is hired”)
- compromising (“I can fix this part of the door, and you can fix that part of the door”)
- harmonizing (“What do you want to do? We can do this your way this time”).
Just like compromising, harmonizing and directing also have negative consequences. Excessive harmonizing coincides with a lack of assertiveness, whereas excessive directing can do damage to relationships. Nevertheless, recent theories of relationship effectiveness highlight the potential benefits of harmonizing or directing in specific interpersonal situations. For example, an individual who has repeated tendencies to mock other people and tell them what to do may absolutely need to practice harmonizing (i.e., letting the other person direct) to be able to maintain relationships across time in a functional way. Moreover, someone who suffers with low self-esteem and lacks assertiveness in relationships may need to practice directing their employees at work in a professional manner to prevent further confusion.
The key to effectively applying the conflict styles is increased flexibility with an awareness toward what is needed in the moment. Most of us are continuing to add tools to our toolbox of mental health and relationship skills. We all have a hammer. It comes in every toolbox. If we use it every time, we end up busting everything up. Take out the tape measure, use the adjustable wrench, and only when the timing is right, hit it with a hammer. A childhood’s toolkit hammer, of course, because this is a situation that involves a loved one. Collaborate, harmonize, direct, compromise, and avoid, with flexibility, according to what the moment requires.
If you want more help with skills like this, join our skills training groups or schedule with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in-depth with this skill and many more like it!
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. Samuel believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.
References
Hania, A., & Amjad, N. (2016). Implicit relationship beliefs and conflict resolution styles as predictors of marital satisfaction. Journal of the Indian Academy of Applied Psychology, 42(2), 256–263.
Kato, T. (2003). Styles of handling interpersonal conflict, personality, and mental health in undergraduate students. The Japanese Journal of Social Psychology, 18(2), 78–88.
Kraybill, R. (2021). Conflict management starts with self management. Retrieved February 27, 2024, from https://www.riverhouseepress.com