If you are experiencing a high-conflict relationship, whether as a parent or partner with a loved one, you are not alone. Many families struggle with managing disagreement and tension, which can make it challenging to experience the positive moments in a relationship and find deeper connection. Although relationships are complex, there is a burgeoning science dedicated to relationship satisfaction and effective parenting strategies. Nevertheless, it can be difficult to access reliable, effective strategies that are grounded in evidence and have been successfully applied. Thus, the purpose of these family and parenting blogs is to describe some evidence-based strategies in a clear, concise way. All of the strategies in this blog post are derived from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) parenting and family research, which is primarily orchestrated by Dr. Alan Fruzzetti, director of training in family services at Harvard Medical School.
To provide an illustration of the core model of DBT family therapy, first consider the components of a healthy family transaction. Earlier that day, Sarah asked Robert, her husband, if he would be willing to clean the kitchen while she took their two boys to soccer practice that evening. Robert agreed to this request, though later on during the evening, he received a work notification from his boss, asking him to complete a few extra tasks on his laptop. When Sarah arrived at home, the kitchen was still a mess, and Robert was on the sofa, stressfully scrolling through his work website. Sarah felt disappointment (a primary emotion), began using paced breathing (to decrease the intensity of the emotion), and reminded herself that in addition to being disappointed with her husband, she also wants a satisfying relationship with her husband (relationship mindfulness). While keeping this in mind, Sarah did not say the judgmental thoughts that popped up in her mind (e.g., “You’re lazy. I could have done my work tasks and the kitchen”), and instead said, “Robert, it seems like you have had a tough evening (validation), and I am feeling disappointed about the kitchen (expression of primary emotion). I want to understand?” (nonjudgmental question to move toward understanding). Robert initiated paced breathing (regulating his stress-level). He replied, “I am really stressed, Sarah (expression of primary emotion), and it makes complete sense that you are disappointed” (validation). “I got a work notification from my boss and forgot (accurate expression). I will go work on the kitchen right now” (behavioral validation).
Sarah and Robert expressed themselves accurately without blame or judgment. They described their own primary emotions using “I” statements, and validated the other person’s emotional experience. Neither Sarah nor Robert are experiencing pleasant emotions, and yet, they are able to effectively decrease blame and judgment, and effectively co-regulate each other. Next, the same situation will be presented with an ineffective transaction.
The situation itself is equivalent. Earlier that day, Sarah asked Robert, her husband, if he would be willing to clean the kitchen while she took their two boys to soccer practice that evening. Robert agreed to this request, though later on during the evening, he received a work notification from his boss, asking him to complete a few extra tasks on his laptop. When Sarah arrived at home, the kitchen was still a mess, and Robert was on the sofa, stressfully scrolling through his work website. Sarah felt anger (a secondary emotion), started rehearsing judgmental thoughts (judgment increases the intensity of anger), and focused on her interpretation that her husband was probably playing an online game and did not care about her (lack of mindfulness). Sarah began by saying the judgmental thoughts that popped up in her mind, “You’re lazy. I could have got the kitchen done” (judgment), and added, “I am so pissed off at you” (expression of secondary emotion), and I don’t even care what you have to say about it (inaccurate expression). Robert’s stress level increased, and he felt immediately enraged (secondary emotion). He yelled, “You never have a clue what is going on at home (inaccurate expression). You’re illogical (judgment). Go away.” Robert exits room.
Each and every step in the first healthy transaction above involves practicing skillful behavior that matches that particular link on the chain of the behavioral transaction. Although, like learning any set of skills–learning a new sport, writing a book–learning conflict management skills takes practice, when applied appropriately within the specific exchange, the skills are incredibly effective for building healthy transactions. With adaptations, these skills also work for effective parenting with teenagers and other relationships.
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychology postdoctoral fellow that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. Samuel believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.