Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills are categorized into four modules: mindfulness, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance. Each module has a specific purpose geared towards helping clients live their life worth living . DBT skills can be applied to an array of life problems and difficulties including grief. Grief, as many of us know, is not a linear process and can be experienced differently by individuals. If you find yourself navigating life with grief, try using the skills described below, and be open to any changes in your experience.
Opposite action
When grieving, our emotions are accompanied by a behavioral urge. For grief, this urge is often to isolate. The skill, opposite action (is exactly what it sounds like!), tells us to act opposite of the urge(s) we are experiencing. We do this when we notice that our emotional state and/or the urge associated with it is not helping us live our life worth living. For example, if you were invited to go to a dinner party at a friend’s house, the emotion of grief would tell you to decline this offer and stay home. While in the short-term this may feel like the “best” option, it likely is only going to move the emotion and thoughts further into a grieving, lonely, and sad place. This skill would say “recognize the urge to decline and then move towards accepting the invitation”. You can take this one step further by offering to bring a side dish or dessert to the party allowing you to participate in a fuller capacity. When throwing yourself all into an experience in this way, there is a ripe opportunity to change the emotional experience to one that is likely more pleasant or at the least not increasing the feeling of grief.
Half-smiling/Willing hands
The distress tolerance module is all about moving through crisis situations without making the situation worse for yourself by engaging in problematic behavior and by accepting reality for what it is. When it comes to experiencing grief, both goals for this module are important but we will focus on the latter. When accepting the loss has occurred, this can bring up immense pain. Many of us want to avoid this pain so we try to deny reality in some way. This ultimately doesn’t rid us of the pain. Rather, it amplifies it to a place of suffering, making things worse for ourselves in the long run. One radical acceptance skill is called half-smiling willing hands. This skill is using your body to communicate back to your brain that you are open to accepting reality for what it is, not trying to do anything to change it. When we deny reality, our bodies have a tendency to tense up (muscles tighten, we close our fists or fold our arms, our brows furrow, etc.).
To practice this skill, find a comfortable position (either sitting or lying down) begin to relax your facial muscles, and adopt a serene facial expression. Next, slightly turn up the corners of your mouth, only to the degree that you notice this but no one else would see that you’ve made a change. Stay here while you then either rest your hands in your lap or gently to your side, keeping your palms facing upwards. Again, stay here. Notice changes in your experience. There is nothing else for you to do except notice if your body takes on a tense state or if your mind gets distracted. If so, notice this and either adopt a relaxed position again and/or turn your attention back to your body’s position. You can stay in this position for as long as you have time or would like.
If you would like to learn more DBT skills to cope with grief or to help you live a life worth living schedule an appointment with one of our therapists.
About the Author
Desirae Allen (she/her), Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist that specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Desirae works with teens and adults, creating a compassionate and judgement-free space, where clients can find wellness and recovery. Desirae believes that DBT can make a long-term difference in people’s lives, and she strives to work collaboratively with her clients to provide adherent DBT. Click Here to learn more about Desirae’s experience and therapeutic style.