When married couples are deciding whether to get divorced, one or both parties will likely experience a prolonged emotional crisis. The decision to divorce is often fraught with tension, conflict, and moments of despair. Due to the emotional difficulties surrounding divorce, it is difficult for both individuals who are experiencing a potential divorce and others who have not experienced a divorce to develop a realistic impression of the process. The crises that accompany divorce make us prone to developing myths about divorce that are almost as compelling as the myths our culture has concerning the “falling in love” process or other romanticized stages of life. The intention of this blog post is to clarify some misconceptions about the decision to divorce and to help individuals think more realistically about that decision-making process. If you are currently deciding whether or not to get divorced or your partner has discussed divorce with you, please check out the blog post on discernment counseling to seek further assistance.
One of the misconceptions about the decision to divorce is that this particular decision has one specific cause for each relationship (e.g., infidelity, value conflicts, different priorities). There are frequently news bites that say, for example, that infidelity is a leading cause of divorce. The problem with understanding divorce in this way is that a factor like “infidelity” is one factor that the person who initiated the divorce is saying strongly affected their decision to get divorced. The fact that partner A had sex with someone else likely influenced partner B’s decision; however, every major decision in life has many different causes, and ultimately divorce is typically one individual’s complex decision based on a variety of factors.
Therefore, if divorce is not predicated on one incident, then what ultimately leads one person in the relationship to say unilaterally, “I am done”? Here we should expect research-based factors that play a significant role in all major decisions: emotions, values, appraisal of the current situation, anticipation of consequences, anticipation of rewards, and a variety of other factors. For example, I would predict that a partner would be very likely to choose divorce if they felt a lot of negative emotions about their relationship, valued individual satisfaction over commitment, decided their partner’s criticism and problems are unchangeable, anticipated few consequences for leaving (i.e., no loss of financial stability, no children affected), and anticipated a better life afterward. Moreover, Dr. John Gottman’s research that identifies criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as strong predictors of divorce overlaps with quite a few of these decision-making factors, particularly the influence on emotions. Nevertheless, even in such a hostile partnership, a decision to divorce is not guaranteed because high prioritization of commitment or high anticipation of negative consequences for children can override the negative feelings about the relationship.
The increase in divorce rates in the late 1960s to 1980s also demonstrates that cultural, social, and economic factors indirectly play a role in an individual’s decision to divorce. The factors that increased divorce rates include no-fault-divorce laws, the feminist movement, gradual declines in religiosity, income inequality, and the rise of cohabitation. The pursuit of equality has made relationships healthier and allowed victims of severe abuse to protect themselves, and this is in great part due to the freedom to divorce and live a better life. Nevertheless, these rapid changes have also led to confusion about what marriage means, whether commitment is under or overrated as a value, and debates surrounding how divorce may impact children.
Today, individuals in the United States have more freedom than ever before to decide whether they want to divorce their partner, but the decision is still incredibly challenging for both parties. Rarely is the initial decision to divorce based on mutual agreement, as both partners are unlikely to carefully make that determination together, given the circumstances. Both partners often oscillate back and forth regarding their decision, to the extent that some divorce lawyers now recommend that their couples go to discernment counseling. The final decision, which ideally would be a decision that emerges out of a person’s wisdom, not impulsive reactivity, is then communicated to the other partner. The partner that receives the news eventually accepts the decision, and depending on their ability to negotiate together, the couple may proceed with a collaborative divorce process or an adversarial court process. If you are faced with a potential divorce, do what is in your control, accept what is outside of our control, and seek out discernment counseling, followed by legal counseling to work your way through the process.
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychology postdoctoral fellow that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. Samuel believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.