The Match- Working Towards a Goal
A few weekends ago, my 6-year-old niece had her first MMA competition- we train at the same gym and it has been so cool watching her get involved in a sport I love so much. She gave it her all and came out with 2 bronze medals and 1 silver. I was so, so proud of her because I could see how hard she tried. It was easy for me to see the bigger picture- she tried really hard, she was super tough in the sparring rounds, she just started a few months ago, and the other kids competing were really good as well. While I was so proud of her, my niece was sad and disappointed and it broke my heart to watch her try and hold back tears at the end of the competition. It was so hard for me to see her be so sad and upset and I noticed the urge to try and “fix it” by brushing the emotions off, telling her she “shouldn’t” feel bad because of this reason or another. This would be invalidating, though, because it’s normal for her to be sad and disappointed- she worked hard, she was excited to compete, she wanted to win gold and she didn’t. As an adult, I know that happens a lot and I’ve had to learn how to be okay with that. I want to help her work through these emotions in whatever way I can and help her foster self-worth that is not tied to achievements. I hope this helps you with the kids in your life as well.
That day, we (her mom, dad, brother, sister, and I) cheered for my niece throughout the competition, regardless of if she won or lost. An intentional focus on celebrating effort over outcome. The thing is, it’s always going to be fun to win, and I’m not going to pretend it’s not. That being said, it can be hard to remember that kids’ brains aren’t completely developed yet and their view of the world is not like that of adults. If it becomes a habit to only celebrate wins (gold medals, A’s on tests, a home run, etc.), it’s easy for kids to associate their parents’ pride and cheering for their wins as “my parents love me when I do well.” That mindset, if it happens over and over again, can lead to thoughts that they’re only loved when they perform well. Again, while we as adults know better, kids’ brains are wired differently and this tends to be their understanding. This can cause children (and later on, adults) to tie their self-worth, their lovability, to how well they do. Over time, this can lead to anxiety over performance, fear of making mistakes, perfectionism, etc. For my niece, I want her to know that I love her, regardless of how well she did. We celebrated how she tried really hard, she never gave up, she showed a lot of courage and bravery, and she was kind to the kids she competed against. Effort, perseverance, courage, and sportsmanship are all values we want to instill in her.
The Aftermath- It’s Okay To Be Disappointed
When we got food afterwards, I was waiting inside with her while everyone else filed into the restaurant. I told her I was proud of her and that if she was disappointed, it’s okay. I emphasized that it’s normal and understandable to be sad and disappointed when she doesn’t get what she wants, when things don’t go her way. I told her that I’ve competed a lot and, despite me trying my hardest, I’ve lost many times and I was sad and disappointed each time. I told her that my sadness and disappointment speak to how much I care about what I do and how important it is to me. I told her that, while winning is fun, I’ve learned more from my losses than I’ve learned from my wins. I explained that sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. And we love her regardless. I’m not sure how much she was able to take in from that little speech because she’s 6, but I’m definitely planning on repeating these concepts to her over and over through my words and my actions. (Side note: I’m speaking of validating the emotions. If she had thrown a tantrum or displayed her emotions in harmful or ineffective ways, again, I still would have validated the emotion and helped her express it in a more effective way.)
As she gets older, I’ll continue to normalize the emotions she’s feeling whenever things don’t go her way. Whether that’s a bad grade on a test, losing in other competitions/sporting events, or even if she doesn’t get into the college she wants or if she doesn’t hear back after applying for her dream job. I want to be there for her when she cries, expresses frustration, or whatever might come up. I want to help her exist with those emotions knowing that those emotions will come and they will go. Whether she wins or loses, I want to help her learn more about herself- her strengths and her areas for improvement so that she can continue to grow as a person. It’s my hope that this will give her the courage to continue putting herself out there and trying hard things with the knowledge that she doesn’t have to be perfect, she doesn’t have to win. All we can do is try our best and continue to learn and grow. She might not train MMA with me forever, but I want her to know that I’m in her corner no matter what.
If you would like to read more about how to validate and parent your child click here.
If you want more help with skills like this, join our skills training groups or schedule with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in-depth with this skill and many more like it!
About the Author
Maria Mangione (she/her), M.A., LPCC-S is a licensed clinical counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Maria works to help people develop the tools they need to develop trust in themselves and build their life worth living. Maria believes in having meaningful connections with her clients and believes that therapy and healing can be fun. Click Here to learn more about Maria’s experience and therapeutic style.