Sometimes our brains can be our own worst enemies. Our brains are hardwired to see the negative in every situation and that can lead to a lot of difficult emotions. When this happens, it can be easy to go into a downward spiral- not just thinking about the negative thoughts but believing them to be true. This will lead to emotions like anxiety and depression and even impact our behaviors, which can make a bad situation worse. By challenging our thoughts and adopting new ways of thinking, we can stop this downward spiral, provide comfort and support to ourselves in our greatest times of need, and even change our actions and behaviors to support a life for ourselves that we view to be worth living.
So, what can we do?
First, before even challenging these thoughts, we have to get good at noticing them. We can practice DBT skills of observing and describing in these moments. Observe the thoughts in your mind- you can imagine your mind as a conveyor belt, that thoughts and feelings are coming down the belt. Put each thought or feeling in a box and put it on the conveyor belt and let it go by. Or even as they come down the conveyor belt, sort them. Label the types of thoughts and feelings like “these are my worry thoughts,” and “these are the thoughts about my past” and put them in a box for another time. You can imagine your thoughts and feelings are boats going down the river. Watch them go by and try not to jump on the boat!
Once you observe the thoughts, try describing them. Describe as many thoughts as you can while feeling a strong emotion. Use phrases like, “A feeling of anger is rising in me,” “I feel _, and my thoughts are _,” or “When you do _, I feel _, and my thoughts are _.” Putting words on the experience helps you manage and control these. Start to become aware of patterns. When you feel anxious, what are your thoughts? If you’re feeling hopeless or worthless, how do these emotions shade your thinking?
Now it’s time to take this a step further. Practice being non-judgmental in your thinking. Notice when you’re being judgmental of yourself or others and challenge this. Start by describing just the facts of a situation. Facts are only things we can observe with our sense- if we can’t observe it with our senses, we can’t say they’re a fact! For instance- we can observe someone’s body language- see their arms crossed or a scowl on their face. But we cannot observe their thoughts or their emotions. We might believe they’re angry, but unless they verbalize that, we don’t know that to be a fact. Think of how some people’s resting faces can appear to be angry when they’re really not. This can get a lot of people in trouble!
Since our brains are hardwired to be negative challenging these thoughts can be challenging. One thing you can do is to try and think of some other possible scenarios. What else could be happening? What are some other points of view? Can you see the situation from another person’s perspective? What could be missing? It can be helpful to write out this process.
Bear with me on this- imagine the worst-case scenario happening. That part comes pretty naturally, our brains will automatically jump there. This is the skillful part- imagine yourself handling that worst-case scenario well. Ask yourself, “how can I handle this situation successfully?” think of what will be good for your short- and long-term. Visualize that situation with you handling the worst-case scenario skillfully.
Now let’s practice this with a common scenario.
First scenario: If your significant other didn’t text you back- notice your thoughts and feelings about this. If you catch yourself thinking, “They must not love me anymore,” or “what did I do wrong?” stop for a moment and check the facts and note what you observed– I texted my significant other, they didn’t respond, the lack of response is leading me to feel anxious and my thoughts are telling me they must not care about me anymore. Note that if you don’t challenge your thinking here, your behavior could be impacted- maybe you yell at them when you get home, for instance. So, now is the time to act skillfully. When you check the facts, you can note that you don’t know that they stopped caring about you. You don’t have that much information. So, what else could be happening here? Maybe their phone died, or they’re busy at work. Maybe they wanted to give some thought to what you texted them. If you’re still feeling anxious, take it a step further and play the scenario that you’re afraid of. Maybe you’re afraid they’re mad at you. If they actually are mad at you, how could you handle that skillfully? Play out a conversation in your mind where you two communicate effectively and solve whatever problem is at hand. Note how your emotion changes or the intensity changes.
About the Author
Maria Mangione (she/her), M.A., LPCC is a licensed clinical counselor that specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Maria works to help people develop the tools they need to develop trust in themselves and build their life worth living. Maria believes in having meaningful connections with her clients and believes that therapy and healing can be fun. Click Here to learn more about Maria’s experience and therapeutic style.