In my last blog, I shared how to give feedback to someone in a nonjudgmental fashion. While that can be really difficult to do, most people have said receiving feedback or criticism can be harder to tolerate. Especially if the person giving the feedback did not use the skills I outlined in the last blog.
Being able to hear that you may have hurt a loved one, though, is an important skill to have. Sometimes when we’re told something we said or did (or didn’t say or do), we get defensive and it can be really difficult for us to take in that information in a healthy and safe way. If you’re finding that this is resonating with you, don’t fret. You’re definitely in good company and I have some things for you to try.
Why is receiving criticism so hard?
Oof, this is a big question. There are several reasons why receiving criticism can be difficult for so many of us. For one, sometimes there’s a trauma response that shows up.
Trauma Response
If you were criticized often growing up or if mistakes or failures were met with punishments or harsh words, that can cause your brain to label criticism as dangerous. Anytime you’re criticized, you’re hurt. Therefore, criticism is dangerous. Then, even years and years later, when someone even suggests you may have done something ‘wrong,’ you go into fight-or-flight mode and deny, deny, deny. While this happens on a more subconscious level, ask yourself: Does receiving feedback feel dangerous? If so, why?
Beliefs
Another reason, though it can certainly build off the first one, is the beliefs we hold about ourselves.
If you have certain beliefs about yourself, like: “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unlovable”, “I’m a failure” any time you receive feedback, you might be pulled into one of these beliefs and start feeling sadness, shame, anger, etc. as a response. This may leave you feeling emotionally dysregulated and cause you to have a hard time staying present. Hear what the other person is saying, and respond in an effective way.
To get at what’s underneath the surface, you can start to explore:
- What is being said vs. what is my brain telling me this person is saying?
- What am I worried this says about me as a person? (If I mess up at work, then I’m a failure, it’s all my fault, etc.)
- What am I worried will happen if I did something ‘wrong’? (I’m going to get fired, my boss will be mad at me, my coworkers will ridicule me, etc.)
So, what can I do?
If you’re in a position where you are receiving feedback, maybe from your boss at work or maybe you’re having a sit down conversation with your significant other and they’re telling you that your behavior has hurt them in some way:
Step one- BREATHE! Your first instinct might be to shut down and deny the problem or behavior. You may even yell back about how they’re not perfect. Stop, notice the urge, slow down, and breathe. Once you do that, observe and describe what they’re saying in a nonjudgmental manner. This is going to help you untangle your interpretations from what’s actually happening so you can keep your defenses down and respond more appropriately. Take a few moments and just notice the words that they’re saying. Their exact words. Also notice what interpretations your brain is adding.
Let’s take a look at an example:
Your significant other says, “You’re late picking me up tonight. Now we’re going to be late to see our friends! Do you even care!?” You might notice the urge to snap back, “of course I care! I’m late because of work! It’s not even my fault. You’re late all the time!” Instead, stop and breathe. If you heard your partner’s original statement and your brain interpreted it to mean, “you’re such an idiot! I hate you! You’re the worst partner ever!” Again, stop and breathe. Ask yourself, “What is actually being said here?”
What is your significant other actually saying- you’re late.
Is there any truth to that? Notice any judgments you’re adding to this like: it’s ‘bad’ that you’re late, or it must mean that you’re ‘stupid’ or ‘lazy’ because you’re late. Nope, we’re looking at this nonjudgmentally and factually. Did you agree to pick them up at a certain time and is it later than that time? If so, then you were late. You may have had a good reason, but what it comes down to, at its bare bones, is that you are late. That’s it, no more, no less.
Okay. What else are they saying? They’re expressing frustration because you’re both going to be late to plans with friends.
Does it make sense that they’re frustrated? Probably, maybe your partner leans more on the anxious side, maybe they’re really looking forward to these plans, whatever the case might be- you’re late and they’re frustrated. Let’s circle back to this because there’s probably some validation that can happen here.
Finally, the last statement, “Do you even care!?”
Your partner is worried that you being late is a sign you don’t care about them or the plans you both have. While this blanket statement might not be fair to say solely over being late, look for the meaning under the meaning. If being late is a habit or if your partner is more anxious, they may be on the lookout for signs that you’re leaving or uninterested. Whether it’s accurate or not, statements like this usually point to bigger problems underlying the initial issue (it’s about more than just being late). Again, let’s circle back to this.
Now that we broke it down, take a few more moments to breathe and relax your body.
You have now differentiated what was actually said from what your brain interpreted your partner’s words to mean. If you look at it, you were late and, maybe if you’re being honest, there’s a pattern to you being late. Maybe this is actually something you could work on and your partner’s frustration makes sense. So, you breathe and say back:
“I’m sorry I’m late. I get held up at work and I forgot to text you. I know you’ve been looking forward to these plans so I promise to be quick, I can go change now and be ready to leave in 5 minutes. Would that be okay?”
Think about that response vs. the other response you may have had the urge to say. Realistically, how is your partner likely to respond to this new response? Probably well, or, at the very least, better than if you snapped back. This might open the door to a conversation being had and you two might even be able to save your night! You might choose to circle back to this conversation at the end of the night. You can even go a step further and:
- Apologize again and make a commitment to being on time or at least messaging if you know you’re going to be late.
- Explore your partners concerns that you don’t care. You can even bring up what it’s like for you when you hear them verbalize stuff like that when you make a mistake.
What happens, because you were willing to hear the criticism and respond effectively, is you and your partner can now have productive conversations where you can both hear each other out.
Taking the time to slow down, breathe, relax, and listen to what’s actually being said can give you the power to untangle your interpretations from what’s actually happening. Now this was a quick and easy example. These conversations might not always be this simple. I’m not saying to always just sit back and accept whatever your partner’s throwing at you. Instead, I’m suggesting that if you slow down, monitor your fight-or-flight response by breathing and relaxing your body, and take the time to stay connected, you have a better shot at getting to the real problem between yourself and your partner. Staying in this mindset, observing and describing what your partner is expressing nonjudgmentally, can help you stay curious and non-defensive as you and your partner hash out more difficult problems.
If you want more help with skills like this, join our skills training groups or schedule with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in depth with this skill and many more like it. Good luck!
About the Author
Maria Mangione (she/her), M.A., LPCC-S is a licensed clinical counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Maria works to help people develop the tools they need to develop trust in themselves and build their life worth living. She believes in having meaningful connections with her clients and believes that therapy and healing can be fun. Click Here to learn more about Maria’s experience and therapeutic style.