Being non-judgmental is a cornerstone of DBT therapy. In a previous blog, I wrote about how being nonjudgmental can help people actually work towards change. You can read more about that here. In this post, I want to explore with you the damage that being judgmental can have on a relationship, and how taking a nonjudgmental stance can help you foster healthier relationships, resolve conflict, decrease your dysregulation, and increase your own self-respect.
When in an argument with someone- family member, friend, significant other, whoever, it’s normal for emotions to become elevated. When they do, the emotions take over our bodies and minds. We’ll start seeing everything through the lens of that emotion. When you’re angry, your thoughts all center around everyone and everything that makes you, or has made you, angry. All the injustices (perceived or real) you’ve experienced, the times this person has made you angry before, etc. You’ll find yourself ruminating on these things and your anger will continue to grow. Well, when in an argument with someone, your emotions become elevated and you start seeing that person and that conversation through the lens of that emotion, which is typically anger. At this time, your brain is more vulnerable to judgments, assumptions, or interpretations. These thoughts tend to sound like:
- “She must think her time is more valuable than mine!”
- “He’s only doing this to piss me off!”
- “If they wanted to, they would. The fact that they would (be late/cancel plans/forget an anniversary/etc.) means they don’t care about me.”
- “That was so dumb of you!”
- “You’re so selfish!”
- “You never consider me and my feelings!”
- “I’m always the one who has to wash the dishes!”
Some of these thoughts you may be aware of, some are sneakier and run rampant in your subconscious. Either way, these thoughts are definitely impacting your emotions and behavior. The problem with this is that you never really know why someone does or doesn’t do something. These judgments are your brain’s way of trying to figure out why something is happening and, because you’re angry, the thoughts are going to continue your anger. These thoughts are so loud and sound so factual, you probably don’t stop to question it. These judgments tend to cause you a lot of distress, which will typically impact your behavior in some way (yelling, isolating, breaking something). Then, when you verbalize these judgments in an argument or conversation, other people may become hurt, defensive, or angry, which usually acts as a barrier for problems to be solved.
So, what do I do now?
Great question. This is going to be one of those “easier said than done” kind of things, but it essentially boils down to learning now to be mindful, specifically being non-judgmental. This is a two-parter, being nonjudgmental in what you say and how you listen. This process will also be easier if your partner gets on board with this process, so feel free to share this post with them. In this post, I’m going to go over the first part, what you say, and I’ll follow-up with another post down the road with how to receive the response effectively as well.
The First Part- What You Say
Let’s say you and your partner had plans to meet your friends for dinner, you two agreed to meet at 5 at your place and drive together. It’s 5:10pm and they’re not at your house yet and they haven’t answered your calls. They show up at your house at 6pm and you are angry. This is the fork in the road: You could yell, call names, and do all that. If you yell at them for being late and inconsiderate, you’re going to be in a worse mood, they probably won’t respond well, and it might be very difficult for you both to bounce back from this interaction and enjoy the rest of the night.
Instead, choose this new path. First, breathe, do some deep breathing and lower your emotional elevation. Then, consider your goals, short-term (an apology, a commitment to changed behavior, have fun that night) and long-term (better communication and a closer relationship with significant other). You also want to consider how you want this other person to feel about you as a result of the conversation (“I want him to respect me and feel respected by me”). Finally, consider how you want to feel about yourself as a result of the conversation (“I want to feel like I stood up for myself in a way I feel proud of”). Then, once you have figured these goals out, use this guideline for the conversation:
- Describe the behavior exactly as it happened- what they said or did, or didn’t say or do
- Express how you feel about that, your thoughts, opinions, etc.
- Ask for what you need- this can be an apology, an ask for changed behavior, etc.
- Reinforce why it’s a good idea for them to do what you’re asking for
In this example, this might sound like “We agreed we’d meet at 5 and you’re just getting here now, about an hour late. I’m angry because I’ve been waiting for you and now we’re late to see our friends. I don’t want to go into it right now because we’re late as it is. For now, I’d like an apology and I want you to apologize to our friends and explain why we’re late. I’d like to talk more about this when we get home. This would help me feel better about this situation and I could meet up with our friends knowing that you heard me out and we’ll be able to talk more about it later.”
When you get home, and this is the important part, finish this conversation! You might have a great night out and not want to bring this back up, but it might be really important to follow through, especially if this is something that has happened before. When you and your partner sit down together, follow the same script as above- be nonjudgmental in explaining the situation, JUST THE FACTS. Own your emotions, thoughts, and opinion and label them as such! “When this happens, I start to think you don’t care about me,” is very different from “you don’t care about me.” Keep your goals in mind! In this example, it might be getting a commitment from your partner to work on being more on time and communicating with you if/when they’re running late. If the topic gets off track, keep bringing it back to your goals established earlier. Do your best to avoid those judgments (assumptions, interpretations, name calling, etc.) by sticking to the facts of what happened, what you were thinking and feeling, it’s impact on you, and what you want instead. This is a skill that takes time to master, so be sure to give yourself grace as you navigate these conversations!
If you want more help with skills like this, join our skills training groups or schedule with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in depth with this skill and many more like it. Good luck!
About the Author
Maria Mangione (she/her), M.A., LPCC-S is a licensed clinical counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Maria works to help people develop the tools they need to develop trust in themselves and build their life worth living. Maria believes in having meaningful connections with her clients and believes that therapy and healing can be fun. Click Here to learn more about Maria’s experience and therapeutic style.