Many people who seek out DBT are grappling with behaviors that led them to living lives they find miserable and small. Behaviors such as:
- Suicidal ideation and wanting to die
- Self-harm, such as cutting, burning, skin picking
- Substance abuse
- Chronic stress in relationships or not having relationships you want
- Compulsive sexual behavior
- Disordered eating
And almost everyone who seeks out DBT is dealing with some degree of:
- not feeling ok or even empty
- confused about who they are or who they want to be
- not feeling satisfied with their current relationships, maybe not having connections with others at all
It is these exact behaviors and problems that Dialectical Behavior Treatment (DBT) suggest are the roadblocks to you living your life worth living. Yes, DBT can help you eliminate and navigate around these roadblocks by learning how to manage your emotions and build relationships but the mission goes beyond just that. It is DBT’s mission to help you walk the path that you find fulfilling and pleasurable. So, what does a life worth living actually mean? With the help of your therapist, you’ll identify your goals, dreams, ambitions that make up a life that you truly want to participate in and live for…your life worth living.
Identifying how you want your life to look serves a few purposes. First, it helps cultivate hope that things can look differently. That there is a life beyond emotional pain and suffering and one that you are capable of achieving! Secondly, it helps you and your therapist refocus your motivation when things become so difficult you question why you should keep moving forward.
The looming question of how do I do this may have begun to creep into your mind. Well, you’re in luck! I have a few suggestions for you.
Stop judging what is right or wrong
Some of us grew up in environments where our families or communities enforced beliefs and values upon us. You may have been led to believe that deviating away from these ways of living was wrong or bad. Or possibly you were bullied for your ideas, interests, and ways of expressing yourself leading you to question if something is wrong with the way you want to live. These and many other difficult experiences often lead people to thinking in extreme ways…what we would call holding judgments.
DBT believes there is no right or wrong way of living…YOU get to decide what YOU want to do. Humor me here…imagine two people both wanting to live out their adult lives but in different ways. One wants to live in a stable and secure home with regular routines while the other craves adventures and wants to travel from place to place. Which persons way of living is right? Trick question…DBT believes it is both! Yes, we could identify pros and cons for both ways of living but it doesn’t make one inherently good or bad. Rather, it is all about determining what is going to be fulfilling for them and their life.
Live according to your values and what gives you pleasure
Look for the things that give you pleasure. Don’t assume your dreams have to be big like, “I will break an Olympic world record” (although this is something you can work towards). A helpful place to start is to think about the small things that will help you create the life you want. Take these for example:
- Taking a pottery class and learning how to make vases
- Living near the mountains so you can go hiking and connect with nature
- Earn a promotion at work
- Have a pet to come home to
Doing it whole-heartedly, not just half-way
We likely agree on the idea that you have to do the treatment in order for you to reap the benefits. I’m going to take it a step further though. You have to fully participate in the treatment in order to reach your life worth living. Read here for explanation for what comprehensive DBT is. It is important to note that DBT is what we like to call a “doing” treatment…you will be expected to put in full effort in the different parts of the treatment. We DBT therapist ask this of the people we work with as we know each part of the treatment is specifically designed to help someone achieve their goals.
With this said, it is reasonable to expect that there are going to be periods of time where doing all of the components of this treatment is going to feel too hard, too painful, or even impossible. The urge to do things half-way or even to avoid them at all may come up. It is important you notice these urges and express them to your individual therapist. Your therapist is there to help support and encourage you through these difficult times. They are going to teach you the art of avoiding avoidance.
About the Author
Desirae Allen (she/her), Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist that specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Desirae works with teens and adults, creating a compassionate and judgement-free space, where clients can find wellness and recovery. Desirae believes that DBT can make a long-term difference in people’s lives, and she strives to work collaboratively with her clients to provide adherent DBT. Click Here to learn more about Desirae’s experience and therapeutic style.