Navigating conflict effectively via text message, email, and other written forms of communication is quite different than navigating conflict face-to-face. It is like walking through a maze in pitch-black conditions, rather than walking through a maze in broad daylight. The maze is challenging either way, but you are even more likely to run into pitfalls when you cannot see anything. The majority of human communication takes place through nonverbals, and when these nonverbals are omitted, an irritated individual will tend to create an irritated mental story about the textual exchange regardless of the content. For example, if partner A is angry at partner B and sends them an angry, accusatory rant, and partner B replies, “I love you,” there is a strong likelihood that partner A will interpret the response as disingenuous or sarcastic. Moreover, even if partner B replies with a skillful validating response like, “It makes sense that you’re angry. That was my mistake,” the likelihood of partner A truly receiving this response is often lower than the likelihood that partner A will think (if they are able to think, as the emotion may be too strong) something like, “You do not get me. And, if that was your mistake, perhaps I should send more text messages to show you how it makes me feel.” Thus, the dilemma remains. Let’s work on a four step process to avoid these pitfalls (STOP): 
- Stop
- Take a step back
- Observe
- Proceed Mindfully
Stop
The first step with applying the STOP skill involves just the action of stopping oneself from engaging with the electronic communication immediately. Through being mindful, it is possible to train oneself to pause, and literally not read the email or text message further. The signal that a pause is needed may involve noticing that a particular person is reaching out to you with whom electronic communication has been quite difficult, but typically the most powerful signal to know when to stop involves mindful awareness of our own emotional state. If the email or text message popped up, and your heart started palpitating quickly, stop immediately. Once your emotion rises considerably, there is no reason to proceed further. If you proceed, the message that you will read will be interpreted through negative emotional reactivity, skewing your judgment. Stop, freeze, and put the phone or laptop down.
Take a step back
The second step with applying the STOP skill to electronic communication involves taking a step back. In this case, place the phone or laptop aside and go to a space where these devices are out of reach. As noted previously, work against the part of your brain that is determined to read all of a long message or email while your emotions are still intense. Remember, reading the electronic communication is not only unnecessary during this phase, but will make things worse for yourself and the other person, if your emotions are too intense. While taking a step back, breathe, pour cold water on your face, and ground yourself.
Observe
Once you are grounded, you are ready to proceed to the third step, which is Observe. During this step, a person has the opportunity to mindfully observe not only their bodily sensations and their surroundings, but also their wise goals and plans. Perhaps you notice that your long-term goal in the relationship with the other person is to have a loving, satisfying relationship, bringing your attention back to love and connection. Perhaps you imagine the pain that the other person may be feeling beneath their anger. During this phase, just observe. Do not take action.
Proceed Mindfully
After observing yourself, your surroundings, and your goals and priorities, you can proceed mindfully with your plan. If your plan involves reading the email or text message first, stay mindful and connected to your wisdom as you proceed. Oftentimes, once a person is calm and has accessed their wisdom, they may find that it is not necessary to read every word of the email or text message. Instead, it can be summarized as an emotional experience. For example, perhaps you start to read the message, and it contains insulting words about yourself. There is no need to keep reading the words. Instead, summarize (e.g., say to yourself, the text message says the person is experiencing anger). Once you have summarized and categorized the message, you will then be able to decide whether to reply. A general rule is that it is rarely to never effective to reply immediately to conflictual text messages, as it will escalate the situation. If you do decide to reply, keep the reply short and clear, “Really sorry to hear all of this. I cannot reply further at work. I will talk to you when I get home by 5PM.” If you notice during the process, or even when you tried to read the message that your emotions escalated, go back and repeat steps 1, 2, and 3, until you can remain grounded.
If you struggle to implement these steps, ask your therapist to help you to practice. It is completely valid if these steps are very difficult at first. We are neurobiologically hardwired to connect with others, so it is completely normal to feel a deep sense of fear and shame when receiving text messages blaming or judging us.
If you want more help with skills like this, join our skills training groups or schedule with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in-depth with this skill and many more like it! You are not alone. At CCDBT, we are here to help.
References
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal suffering and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. Samuel believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.