Parenting Strategies: Saying Yes to Positivity & How to Navigate Alternatives to “No”
Parenting involves navigating a labyrinth of choices, and one crucial aspect is the language we use with our children. A common phrase that frequently is used is “no.” While it may seem like a simple and effective way to set boundaries, its impact can be more profound than we realize. Constant use of “no” can create a negative atmosphere, fostering defiance and frustration in children. Instead, adopting alternative phrasing can lead to more constructive outcomes.
When we consistently use “no” with our children, it can inadvertently convey a message of limitation and rejection. This repetitive negativity can affect their self-esteem and perception of their capabilities. Conversely, employing affirmative language encourages positive behavior and reinforces a sense of empowerment. By reframing commands positively, such as “please walk” instead of “don’t run,” we promote cooperation and self-confidence in our children.
Mindfulness plays a pivotal role in recognizing our language patterns and their effects on our children. By being mindful of our communication habits, we can consciously reduce the frequency of using “no.” Additionally, mindfulness allows us to empathize with our children’s feelings when they hear “no.” Mindfulness can be helpful to be cognizant of the impact of your facial expressions and tone of voice. Our nonverbal and paraverbal communication can be picked up by children, faster than any words we may have spoken. It is important to remember that even as adults, hearing negation can evoke feelings of disappointment, frustration, and/or rejection. By acknowledging and validating your own & their emotions, as well as offering alternative solutions, we foster understanding and resilience in our children.
Rephrasing commands from what children cannot do to what they can do transforms limitations into opportunities for growth. Instead of saying “No climbing on the furniture,” we can say “Please keep your feet on the floor.” This approach not only redirects behavior but also reinforces positive actions. By focusing on what is permissible rather than prohibited, we encourage autonomy and responsibility in our children.
Dialectical thinking provides a framework for approaching conflicts with a balanced perspective. Instead of viewing situations in black-and-white terms, dialectical thinking encourages finding the “synthesis” or “the middle path” solutions. For instance, when faced with conflicting priorities like attending a work meeting while your child wants to watch a movie, employing dialectical thinking allows for compromise. You might say, “I understand how much you want to watch the movie, and spending time together is important. Right now, I have a work commitment, but let’s plan to watch the movie together later. In the meantime, how about you watch a different show [utilizing two options or their favorite is usually effective], and we can have our movie night later tonight?” This approach honors both parties’ needs while modeling negotiation and flexibility.
Parenting strategies centered on positivity and mindfulness create a nurturing environment for children to thrive. By minimizing the use of “no,” practicing mindfulness with your child and your communication, reframing limitations positively, and embracing dialectical thinking, we foster mutual respect, understanding, and cooperation within the family dynamic. Remember, every “yes” is not just a word, but an opportunity to nurture a positive relationship with our children.
If you want more help with skills like this, join our skills training groups or schedule with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in-depth with this skill and many more like it!
About the Author
Alyssa Eichhorn (she/her), M.A., LPCC-S, is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor that specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Alyssa works with all ages in a radically genuine and nonjudgmental setting to help individuals identify more effective and balanced behaviors to create a life worth living. She provides a directive and warm approach with her clients to facilitate solutions, growth, and change where they want it. Click here to learn more about Alyssa and her therapeutic approach.
Sources:
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
https://www.aliciaeaton.co.uk/blog/what-to-say-instead-of-no
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creative-development/200905/positive-parenting
https://www.thekidcounselor.com/stop-saying-no-tips-for-positive-parenting/