In a healthy family system, roles (i.e., parent, child, sibling) are clearly defined to promote stability and clear expectations. With each particular role (e.g., parenting), there are sub-roles such as provision of resources, nurturance and support, and maintenance and management of the family system. To think about the importance of the stability and security that clear roles provide, imagine that you go to the post office to mail a package. What role do you expect the postal service clerk to play? Do you want them to kiss you and sell you an internet package? There is nothing wrong with kisses or internet packages, but most of us feel that this would be highly bizarre and insulting. When the postal clerk sells you the stamps promptly and sends you on your way, and you reply, “Thank you very much,” both people in the exchange are much more satisfied.
Prior to discussing the fluidity of roles across time and situation, it is important to touch on ways that completely abandoning roles can do more damage in relationships, even if there are positive intentions. One important example is a parent who leans on their child for emotional support when the child is a teenager. The parent might say, “Mom is not okay today. I need you to help me. You do not validate my feelings enough!” Although it is constructive for teens to learn how to validate other people’s emotions, this demand for the teenager to take care of their parent’s emotions will have consequences for the teenager’s psychosocial development. This does not mean that there is always a problem with Mom merely displaying emotions and crying in front of the teenager. That can be healthy. The important part is that the teenager is not swept into a position where they need to take care of their overwhelmed parent too early, a dynamic that is called parentification.
Likewise, roles are important in mutual partnerships. Long-term intimate partners have many interwoven sub-roles. They often may be friends, sexual lovers, co-parents, homeowners, and a financial team, among other sub-roles. One of the roles of mutual partners is to help each other. This is a specific form of helping that is taking place. Although there are exceptions, modern partners do not tend to be each other’s dentists, therapists, pastors, or business managers. Thus, partners already have enough sub roles to play, so they are cautious when entering into other relationships like co-owning a business. Moreover, partners are also not each other’s parents and are wise to play more encouraging roles with each other, rather than making lists of things they wish that the other person would change.
Despite the importance of staying within one’s role, it is important to note that roles can evolve over time and shift with a considerable degree of flexibility. For example, when a parent is facing cancer in older adulthood, a child who has a good enough relationship with that parent may decide to care for the parent’s physical, and to some extent, emotional needs. Although the parent may have limited abilities, even this relationship does not constitute a complete role-reversal. The adult-child is choosing to take care of their parent, not their own child. Communication, to the extent possible, is helpful for adapting to the way that the particular role is shifting. Moreover, even with healthy communication, it is normative for there to be a complex mixture of emotions, including sadness and frustration, throughout the process.
Even when roles do not shift rapidly over time, often dissatisfaction in relationships stems from misunderstandings about the roles that are constructed in relationships. For example, a male partner may think that it is his wife’s role to take care of the children and household, due to his own upbringing. If the wife grew up in a household where both parents were highly involved in co-parenting, she may be very frustrated by what she interprets as her husband’s lack of consideration of the importance of parenting. To move past this role conflict, it is important for both parties to listen to the factors that shaped their beliefs about their own roles, and then construct their own functional way of navigating roles that honors individual differences and the relationship as a whole. Whether the partners end up with traditional roles or not is inconsequential compared to the manner in which they strive to understand the kernel of truth in the other person’s perspective and effectively negotiate a realistic and satisfying plan.
Next time you are debating whether to support someone emotionally, to give or receive money, or to attend their event, take a step back. Ask yourself, what is my role in this relationship? Work to stay in your role to increase clarity and stability, while dialectically embracing the huge amount of flexibility that is needed to navigate relationships effectively.
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. He believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.
Reference:
Peterson, R. (2009). Families first: Keys to successful family functioning: Family roles. Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University.