It is common for our society to emphasize the importance of staying positive, more recently, there’s a growing awareness of the potential pitfalls of toxic positivity. While maintaining a positive outlook can be beneficial for mental well-being, it’s crucial to strike a balance and acknowledge the spectrum of emotions that make us human and serve a function to us. Think of our emotions as our internal GPS system, telling us what is going on with us. Let’s talk about what toxic positivity is, how it may show up in our daily lives, and ways to navigate it using Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) strategies.
Toxic positivity can be defined as an overemphasis on positive thinking and an avoidance or denial of negative emotions. It’s the tendency to invalidate or dismiss genuine feelings of sadness, anger, or frustration by encouraging a relentless focus on positivity. Others can subject their toxic positivity onto us and we can also engage in toxic positivity on our own. You should be aware if this is a behavior unique to you and/or if it is also lingering around the environments you engage in. While the intention may be to uplift and inspire, toxic positivity can lead to suppression of authentic emotions, causing long-term harm to mental health. This harm can cause long-term consequences – dysregulated emotions, dysregulated behaviors, difficulties in relationships, physical symptoms, and more intense mental health symptoms. Toxic positivity is essentially a form of gaslighting, a tactic used to have individuals question their reality. When others tell us, or we tell ourselves that we should deny or only feel part of the emotional experience, it can communicate that something is wrong with feeling otherwise.
One way toxic positivity may present itself is through the use of clichéd phrases like “just stay positive,” “look on the bright side,” “it could always be worse,” in response to someone sharing their struggles. While these phrases may be well-intentioned, they oversimplify complex emotions and trivialize the challenges individuals face. Suppressing genuine feelings can create a sense of isolation and make it difficult for people to express their true emotions. It may also show up by filling our time with positive events to the point there is no time to think about anything else but the “good” things you’ve experienced, until life, as it tends to do, throws a wrench in that.
Social media is another arena where toxic positivity thrives. Platforms often showcase curated versions of people’s lives, emphasizing only the positive moments. This curated reality can create unrealistic expectations and contribute to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt when faced with life’s inevitable ups and downs. Additionally, social media frequently bombards us with “motivational” and positive messages that can easily influence us to take on this toxically positive mindset.
To identify toxic positivity in our lives, it’s essential to be attuned to our emotional experiences. If we notice a pattern of dismissing or avoiding negative emotions, it may be an indication that toxic positivity is at play. Pay attention to your internal dialogue and the language used by those around you. Genuine support acknowledges both positive and negative emotions, fostering a more authentic and compassionate connection.
So, how can we cope with toxic positivity and cultivate emotional balance? One strategy, is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), which will teach individuals strategies to navigate the complexities of their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors through mindfulness interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance strategies. FYI: These are the modules within the DBT Skills Training Handouts & Worksheets 2nd Edition book.
Mindfulness
One fundamental DBT skill is mindfulness,, which involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment or attachment. By practicing mindfulness, we can become more aware of our emotions without labeling them as good or bad. This nonjudgmental awareness allows for a more balanced and accepting approach to our feelings.
Mindfulness of Current Emotions
Another DBT skill is from the emotion regulation module , which involves understanding and managing intense emotions. The skills is Mindfulness of Current Emotions and instead of suppressing or denying negative emotions, this strategy involves sitting with the emotions, noticing it’s intensity raise and fall, and after a while, it will decrease in intensity and also assist in letting go of emotional suffering. Another effective skill from this module that can assist in combating toxic positivity is Check the Facts. Utilizing this skill can be effective in analyzing your thoughts and emotions to see if they check the current facts of the situation. In some situations, being positive may NOT fit the facts and/or it may not be effective for you at that time.
FAST and Dialectics
Multiple skills within the interpersonal section I find valuable to work through toxic positivity, as it focuses on building effective communication and setting boundaries. By expressing our emotions authentically and assertively, we can navigate conversations about our feelings without succumbing to toxic positivity. Two specific skills come to mind: FAST and Dialectics.
FAST is an acronym for strategies to maintain our self-respect:
- be (F)air – Be fair to yourself and others in the situation. Validate your feelings & the others’ in the situation.
- no (A)apologies – Don’t over apologize. Don’t engage in nonverbals communicating feeling ashamed, avoiding eye contact. Don’t invalidate the valid. No apologizing for making a request, being alive, having an opinion, for how you feel, or for disagreeing.
- (S)tick to your values – Stick to YOUR values. Do not sell out your values, integrity, or boundaries for reasons that aren’t important. Be clear about what you believe is the moral and valued way of thinking and behaving and stick to it! Your morals and values are VALID.
- be (T)ruthful – Don’t lie. Don’t act helpless when you are not. Do not exaggerate, minimize, or make up excuses.
By utilizing this skill, if others attempt to insert toxic positivity into your life, you can establish appropriate self-respect and communicate effectively how that may be an ineffective way of thinking. With dialectics, it is important to understand when we use this term in DBT, we are referring to how two opposing things (situations, perspectives, emotions, etc) can be true at once, how all things are connected, change is the only constant, and change is transactional. Dialectics encourages us to change statements from “always” or never” to “sometimes” or “more often than not”, “but” to “and,” and “either or” to “but and.”
In relation to toxic positivity, the first example my brain comes up with is, you share with a coworker how your workload is overwhelming. They respond with a toxic positivity statement – “you always end up doing fine! Don’t worry! You went through worse before, remember last month?” Easily, you could fall into the abyss that is toxic positivity, and yet you remember dialectics! In that moment, instead of invalidating your experience, you can acknowledge, yes, my co-worker is right, last month was very stressful AND at the same time, I am currently very stressed.
Acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions is essential for mental well-being. Toxic positivity, while well-intentioned, can be detrimental to our mental health. By recognizing its presence, practicing DBT strategies like mindfulness, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness, we can cultivate a more balanced and authentic approach to our emotional experiences, fostering genuine connections and resilience in the face of life’s challenges.
If you want more help with skills like this, join our skills training groups or schedule with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in-depth with this skill and many more like it
About the Author
Alyssa Eichhorn (she/her), M.A., LPCC-S, is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor that specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Alyssa works with all ages in a radically genuine and nonjudgmental setting to help individuals identify more effective and balanced behaviors to create a life worth living. She provides a directive and warm approach with her clients to facilitate solutions, growth, and change where they want it. Click here to learn more about Alyssa and her therapeutic approach.
Sources:
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/toxic-positivity
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958