When meeting with parents to consult, I am often struck by the amount of pressure parents face to read parenting books, meet every possible need their child may face, and take full responsibility for their child’s difficulties. Parenting advice is abundant, and expectations placed on parents are exorbitant. Due to the pressures that modern parents face, I want to first describe what you should not expect to take place in a parenting consultation:
You should not be given the message that you are a bad parent just because your child is struggling.
You should not be given generic advice that is not tailored to your specific situation.
You should not be judged or blamed throughout the process. Instead, parenting consultation is a collaborative process between a mental health expert and a parent who wants to work on a particularly difficult situation. Parenting consultations should involve careful assessment of the parent-child relationship and provide tailored advice for the specific situation, or refer elsewhere if the therapist cannot accurately address where the parent is stuck. Moreover, parenting consultation should not involve judging or blaming the parent, as quality parenting consultants should assume that parents are doing the best that they can in difficult situations.
In this blog post, I will elaborate on these principles of parenting consultation in further depth.
“Good Enough” Parents
Unless I have concrete evidence to assume otherwise, I assume that parents that come for consultation are “good enough” parents. Although the term “good enough” is subjective, a term originally coined by pediatrician Donald Winnicot, I often think of a parent that provides basic necessities for their child and shows them appropriate parental love. Good-enough parents may or may not need parenting consultation. For example, I have had parents that did not need further consultation with their oldest child, but presented for parenting consultation to manage the difficulties that they were facing with their second child. They felt stuck and wanted support and advice that was tailored to their situation. Certainly, if parents do have a history of abusive behavior toward their child, they also should not be judged within the process of receiving quality parenting consultation. Although there are some adjustments to the process, these parents absolutely need parenting consultation. Nevertheless, most parents that invest in consultation are good-enough parents that are struggling with specific situations, and are choosing to take the wise step of consulting further. Afterall, even extremely effective parents can feel burnt out in situations where their child struggles with severe difficulties.
Thorough Assessment
During a parenting consultation, a thorough assessment is conducted and parenting recommendations are tailored to your specific situation. Note that this is different from other generic advice received from books or well-meaning family members. Moreover, it is optimal for parent consultation to include an assessment of the child and observation of the parent and child interacting in the room in addition to the child and parent’s self-report. This will allow the therapist’s recommendations to be more closely tailored to the particular situation. The assessment can also provide recommendations about whether the parenting consultation/therapy should proceed with family therapy with the parent and child jointly meeting with the therapist, or whether it is sufficient to meet with the parent alone to reach the objectives. Although it can be difficult to involve all parties due to time constraints and other barriers, parenting consultation is often more effective when the child participates.
Individual Therapy vs Parent Consultation
In addition to providing tailored recommendations, it is important that parents receive consultation from a therapist that will not blame or judge the parents when making suggestions. Most good-enough parents already have shame surrounding inevitable parental shortcomings. When the parenting coach shows the humility to refrain from judging or blaming, parents are often more receptive to working on their relationship with their children. Moreover, there are often additional mental health gains for the parent throughout the process. That being noted, parenting consultation is not the same as individual therapy. While you will be encouraged to speak truthfully and to access your wisdom with the parenting coach, you will not be encouraged to vent or express anger toward your partner or child. The purpose of individual therapy is improvement in individual mental health and satisfaction, whereas the purpose of parenting consultation is more peace and satisfaction for the child, the parent when they are playing the parenting role, and the parent-child relationship.
Finding a Therapist
If you are debating about whether to seek parenting consultation, I encourage you to consult with a professional who has experience in this area. When you consult, it is recommended to be clear and direct about the type of help that you are seeking. For example, if you would like help managing your own distress about your child’s behavior and finding peace while your child will continue to suffer to a certain degree, ask for a therapist to help empower you to be the parent you want to be, rather than merely asking for someone to help your child. Therapists that work primarily with children, regrettably, often have limited time to help parents as much as they would like to. Nevertheless, some child therapists who are experienced in serving parents may set up additional sessions to integrate the parent work. The key is to find professionals who will collaborate with you, not judge you, as you navigate your role as a parent.
If you would like more information on this topic consider scheduling with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in-depth on this subject with you!
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. He also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. Samuel believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.